Agony. One of the worst headache of my memory. All night, my head felt like it was splitting. Cowering in my sleeping bag, I felt my body shaking with unshed tears. Falling into fitful, blessed moments of sleep, only to awaken myself with a slight movement and the accompanying ring in my head. Around 0600, I was seized with an intense, wet cough, bringing up a wad of mucous into my mouth. Thrashing about in my sleeping bag, desperately trying to sit up and unzip the perpetually jammed zipper, I thought I was literally going to choke to death on my own phlegm. Disgusting.
Finally freeing myself, hobbling to the squat toilet, and returning in a shaken heap to our room, I felt as though my trek was over. It was the same feeling of sadness at unfinished dreams that I felt the morning I had resolved myself to take a cab to Finisterre. Only this time, Tobias wasn't walking in to the cafe with sunshine on his face. I feel trapped in my own physical weaknesses, nothing external, but everything internal. It isn't that I shouldn't go on, it is that I feel I can't go on. The elevation has stripped me of everything other than this pounding headache, and I am afraid that I am incapable of acclimatizing. Indecision, doubt, fear. An ugly cocktail.
As Em stirred from bed, I croaked my sad condition to her. Giving me two NyQuil, covering me with a giant fleece blanket, she headed down to relay the news to Bishnu.
Three hours later, emerging from a drug induced deep sleep, my headache had abated enough for me to crawl from bed and seek Em out on the sunny patio. The verdict is that we were going to stay in Gokyo for an additional day. Depending on how I feel throughout today, and most importantly in the morning, we will continue with our planned trek, or head back down.
The day was a series of naps, interrupted only by consumption of water or soup. The most wonderful part of this unexpected day of rest was that Em was able to climb to the top of Gokyo Ri with Bishnu and revel in the beauty of the mountains and lakes.
Em and Bishnu on top of Gokyo Ri!
Em's view of Everest!
Finally around 1530, I emerged from nearly 20 hours off off and on sleep, and felt somewhat restored. Soup in the sun, seeing pictures of Em's climb to Gokyo Ri and enough water to burst me, my headache abated, I felt the inkling of possibility. Sitting in the sunroom, the German couple again offered to test my blood oxygen levels. Against better judgement, and mostly because people seem to have an insatiable desire for numbers and prognosis on their own health, I agreed. Another confidence booster. My oxygen levels were up to 88%. Despite my the day's headache, I took this as a sign of acclimatization, and ate my dinner of garlic soup with a slight restoration in my self-confidence.
Em is struggling with her own fears as well. Although she feels physically strong, despite yesterday's nausea, we both have a huge mental block about Cho La. I know that Em is already fulfilled with our accomplishment of making it this far, so fortunately, I don't feel a pressure to push through pain in order to not disappoint her. I know my ego is involved, and I do not want to fail. I have, for years, longed to trek to EBC, and I don't want to admit defeat now. Although my body hurts, the mental anguish at indecision, at not knowing when to stop or keep going, is proving to be the greatest challenge of all.
Again, I go to sleep tonight and just hope and hope for relief from these headaches. My heart is beginning to falter, but I know I must keep pushing myself, lest one day, I have any regrets. I feel the pressure of the decision to go down or continue on. It seems it is up to me, and this night of rest, to see what state I am in tomorrow. Oh, this is hard, indeed.
No comments:
Post a Comment